even if you claimed you didn't want it. Sometimes I'd surprised you, popped in when you werent expecting. I was virtually your wife at one stage, we lived together, I cooked, I cleaned, I played and hoped you'd join in on the grand facade.... I tried to look hot for you, get into games with you and keep things fun. Anything you asked, I probably would have done. And then things started to change, I can't quite put a finger on when. But you seemed to stop noticing me, you seemed to stop caring, your games were more interesting and our time together was waning.
You were my king, and all I every wanted was to be your queen. You always said I was, but how come I never felt like it? You never showed me, never proved to me, just how much you cared. A token gesture here or there doesn't quite cut it. I've had two surgeries whilst we were dating, both of them you wouldn't see me. You didn't call to see if I was ok, didn't pop in to surprise me with 'get better food', a flower or even a hug. In fact you ignored me, wouldn't have a bar of it. Do you know how much that hurt? When I loved you with my all, and I thought you felt the same. I know you hate medical and hospital things, but I kind of thought the way you claimed to feel about me would override that? How can you claim to love me like you said, but when I needed you most, you weren't there? I hoped you'd learn. That things would change... but they got worse.
On our 4 year anniversary, you lied to me. You forgot to make a booking when we'd talked about it so many times already. Then told me the restaurant was closed. Then I found out and you had no excuse. Then you never made it up to me? What am I to think of that? You got me a gift card for our 4 year... It's not about the material worth of the present. Its about the worth of it to my heart. I wouldn't have cared if you'd bought me a single flower, if I'd known you picked it yourself, and had thought about my favourite type and gone out of your way to get it... everything else wouldn't have mattered....I just wanted to see how much you even knew me? But then it got worse, you were ignoring me, constantly seemed to be angry at me. We got further and further apart. I nearly broke up with you two months ago but didn't want to, I still don't. But my own happiness and wellbeing was coming into jeopardy. Our relationship was becoming a detriment to my health because I was always sad, depressed, confused, upset and I couldn't fix it because you didn't want to.
It takes two to tango Sam, TWO. I gave you another chance, I gave you 10 days to make me fall back in love with you. 10 days to prove why I should stay, I didn't expect my own romantic comedy. I didn't expect you to write it in the sky. I just wanted to see, needed to know if you felt the same about me. I'd say you didn't... because nothing every became of it. You claimed you were always planning, said you were just trying to figure it out... I know it got harder, Uni got busier, I studied and worked more. But what did you want me to do? All I could do was throw myself harder and deeper into both lots of work and try to drown out the crying inside of me because you weren't there.
Our final weekend, I studied. I tried to see you. But you were painting war hammer all weekend. Every day, every night. You were gaming... make a little time? Just for me? You claim I had your heart, I thought I did all along. But i think you took it back a while ago... I didn't have any fight left. I'd been fighting for us for months. But I can't fight this battle alone. I needed you by my side and it felt like you were never there, or if you were it was only in words and never in heart.
On the night I broke up with you, you already saw it coming. You came in here defeated. When I told you, you asked me one question. Have you made up your mind? I had, but I wanted so badly for you to convince me otherwise. Then you asked me if it was worth trying to convince me? And I said why wouldn't you try? All I wanted was for you to fight for me. Fight for us.
But I knew deep down, that nothing was going to change. We'd be fine for a few days, maybe even a few weeks... but eventually it would all turn out the same. I hope this was for the better. Whether its you and me in the end or not. I'm finally crying as I type this. It's Sunday afternoon. I haven't cried since Wednesday night when you left. I was numb, I think I was kind of in denial. But now the tears pour freely down my face as I realise what I have done, and why I did it. It makes so much more sense now....
Maybe in the future, you will have grown up, I will have found my place in this world. And we would work together again. Sometimes i think i let go too soon, but then I remember all the reasons why, all the times you let me down and I realise. That whilst my heart is crumbling right now, what you were doing to me was worse. Because I deserve someone who loves me just as much as I love them. Who treats me right and is there when I need them. Who does something when they say they're going to. That man probably doesn't exist. And no one is perfect.... but maybe they'll try. Only problem is, I didn't want any other person, I only wanted you.
I couldn't keep hoping for you to try, I couldn't keep dreaming of you fighting for me. It was tearing me from the inside out. So I let you go, and I still love you so. But like we've always said... we'll meet a second time around.
So for now,
I'll blow a kiss goodbye,
to you my love.
You'll always hold,
a piece of my heart.
Sam & Emma
20th April 2008 - 13th June 2012
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