i feel like a fucking idiot.

im at home, i'm at work, i'm out at the shops, i'm hanging out with friends, i'm asleep, i'm dreaming and all i'm thinking about is you.

but YOU. you're out there talking to all these girls, or at least it seems that way (maybe, probably, hopefully i'm wrong) you might not be hooking up with them or dating them but all of a sudden you're so social, you keep telling me you aren't interested, that it bugs you so many people think you're into other girls...

and then you do something like ask me to have sex with you, tell me that you're still in love with me but then tell me again how committed to the split you are and that you're burying your emotions deep. i just hope you don't bury me so deep you can't pull me back out again....

i dont know what to do with you, i dont know what to think.

somebody please tell me the answer? i wish i could believe what you're saying. i wish i knew if you'd hold on to me or not. i wish; i wish; i wish.

shame that wishes never come true.

you need to leave my brain alone.

IT'S LIKE YOU'RE A ZOMBIE: EATING UP MY BRAIN SPACE.

one of those sense maybe. i wish i didn't have it.... because it actually hurts me. 

just help me. 

this stupid blog is here because i can't forget you.

because i can't switch you off.

i'll be doing something that has NOTHING to do with you, and yet my brain is all:

"SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM SAM".

that crazy buzzing that i've always had only now it wont shut up about you.

the milisecond after i've gained consciousness me brain goes straight to you.

i hear a song, look at a spot on the side of the road, i see something and thing; my god i HAVE to tell sam that.... but then realise that I can't. realise that you're not there to talk to every day.

i love you still, so much, and it does still hurt, but this is driving me mad.

i can't eat properly, i hardly sleep, my arakan trainer told me i'm going the fast track way to becoming a schizophrenic if i dont shut my brain up. but i can't make it stop. i feel sick. i need this to end. 

but you're not leaving my brain anytime soon.

i do so wish that wasn't the case with us... but i fear that one day it might be. and i dread it all.

because

i'm still in love with you.

it's just you i miss...

i'm waiting for the day when i get to climb in next to you again.

i know what its like to know like you're not alive or you're not there until he looks at you

until he's touched your hand or kissed your cheek and you know you're his,

you know that he's with you.

but i dont know what to do about you, people say I'm just missing your company, but that's not true. 

I've though about it - and even if I can't have your kisses, hugs or affection, even if you can't be mine...

I still just want to be around you. I like knowing you're 5 metres away from me, even if you're not talking to me, my senses tell me you're there, I feel calm cause you're there, I feel whole because you're there. 

I wish I could change how things happened.... shame the "what-if" game always ends badly and very sadly.

cause I see you, but I can't feel you... anymore

You were my fire, so I burned... til' there was nothing left of me

I... I touched your face, I held you close... til' I could barely breathe

Why give me hope, then give me up... just to be the death of me

Save the rest of me...

Cause I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away

I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate

Now... now and then, you come around, like there's something left for me

We were one... we were everything

I'm still here... but I'll just keep the rest for me

Cause I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away

I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate

We never made it... you hesitated... I don't believe

That I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away

I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate

Cause I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away

I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate - hesitate

You were my fire, so I burned... now there's nothing left of me... 

Hesitate - Stone Sour

i want you here beside me

i want you here from dawn to dusk

i want you here through love and lust

i want you here through thick and thin

i want you here even when i'm mad at you

i want you here because i love you

i want you here when i need a hug

i want you here when i get home

i want you here because you want to be here too

i want you here when i crawl into bed

i want you here to hold me tight

i want you here when i get cold and need your endless body warmth

i want you here in the morning to roll over and cuddle up to me

i want you here to kiss me on the back off my neck right before you get out of bed

i want you here, is what i hope you said

i want you,

i want you here,

i want you here beside me; forever and always. 

going the distance...

Yes, I watched that movie.... pretty stupid idea when you've just broken up with your boyfriend of 3 years BECAUSE of distance. stupid very stupid. it made me cry... and then it gave me hope. But after dwelling on it between the 4 hours I wasn't asleep since midnight last night and when I woke up at 6am this morning I've realised that it was JUST a movie. It was NOT reality, it was NOT based on a true story. It was fiction. 

Unfortunately that is the reality of movies - they're so popular that everyone wants to watch them because you get to live your life through someone elses for those 102 minutes of bliss, drama, devastation, joy and in most cases the happy ending. Going the distance for example.... not many guys are really going to quit their job and move across America to be with you... in all seriousness. Just in the same way not many guys are going to put their apprenticeships on hold to travel with you....

The worst is when it feels like they wanted to get rid of you - like they had been pre meditating this breakup the whole last 2 months. Does it feel like you're at home, crying, or not feeling much like life at all, yet all of a sudden he's out there getting all social, talking to practically every girl he knows, going to parties when in all the previous instances there was an invite to a party (you might have had to PAY him to go). 

But then you meet up with him for lunch - on a work day - he's meant to have been at work but isn't because he said he's feeling sick. You can't help it - that little piece of hope rises up.... maybe he really needed to see me.... maybe he wants me back. But the moment you see him, sitting in a chair at the coffee shop, on facebook and txting, you know. It was ALL in your head. You talk, it's a little awkward, but nice to at least see him. He mentions how he's been feeling sick lately, every time he eats he gets nauseous, he can't sleep, isn't hungry.... wait a minute? This sounds like exactly how i've been feeling since we broke up.... maybe he is hurting. Is it cruel to say I hope he is? But I wish I knew for certain....

I just... wish it had been different. But unless someone has a moustache that is a time machine then I don't see how I can solve any of this.... 

But maybe one day.... we'll look like this at the airport.

this pretty much sums everything up

I Miss Your Soft Lips,

I Miss Your White Sheets.

I Miss The Scratch Of Your Shaved Face On My Cheek.

And this is so hard,

Cause I didn't see,

That you were the love of my life and it kills me.

I see your face in, strangers on the street.

I still say your name when I'm talking in sleep.

And in the long light, I play it all fine.

But I can't handle it when I turn off my night light.

They say that true love hurts,

Well this could almost kill me. Young love murder,

That is what this must be.

I would give it all,

To not be sleeping alone.

The life is fading from me,

While you watch my heart bleed. Young love murder, that is what this this must be.

And I would give is all,

To not be sleeping alone.

Remember the time we, jumped the fence when the Stones were playing, and we were to broke to get in.

You held my hand and they made me crawl.

I swear to God that it was the best night of my life.

Or when you took me, across the world,

We promised this would last forever but now I see.

It was my past life.

A beautiful time.

Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunlight. Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunlight.

They say that true love hurts,

Well this could almost kill me. Young love murder,

That is what this must be.

And I would give it all,

To not be sleeping alone.

The life is fading from me,

While you watch my heart bleed. Young love murder,

That is what this this must be.

And I would give is all,

To not be sleeping alone.

It was the past life.

A beautiful time.

Drunk off of nothing but each other till the sunlight.

They say that true love hurts,

Well this could almost kill me. Young love murder, that is what this must be.

And I would give it all, to not be sleeping alone. The life is fading from me, while you watch my heart bleed.

Young love murder, that is what this this must be. 

And I would give is all, to not be sleeping alone.

does it ever stop hurting?

There was the moment when we broke up, sitting cross legged on your bed, holding each others hands, looking straight into your soul that you promised me that there would be a chance, that we would be back here in a year, you promised me there could be a forever. 

Your promises, so many of them, I wish they were true, I wish that I could depend on you.

It sounds crude, but I wish I knew if you were hurting too. I can't eat, I can't sleep, every moment my chest aches and its you I see. 

if he doesn't come back, he'll forever be that person to me.