we slept in separate beds; we're not even married

i don't know what to do or how to say anything
i don't know if you want me or if you don't
don't get me wrong, the sex is great
but i don't know about everything else
we don't laugh like we used to
we sit around on the couch
am i being ridiculous?
being ridiculous for wanting something more
help me please

i'm going to be quiet for a while
i'm not going to talk
it feels like de ja vu
we've been here before
but it was easier because we didn't live together
i don't know what to do
or where we are
and honestly the idea of losing you makes me feel ill

flight mode is on
but i don't want to run
but something tells me i might
the question is... will you chase me?

i wish this was easier
why is it that nothing in life is ever easy?

fuck.

how to save a life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

subconscious and unconscious

they're both yours
neither of them seem to want me
i don't remember the last time you kissed me
i don't remember the last time you hugged me
we had sex a week ago
initiated by me

you push me off in your sleep when i hug you
you don't move to my touch anymore
you don't look my way
i feel like a dead space
lying next to you

if you want me
show me
because it's becoming hard to tell
i don't want to be a platonic relationship
something just friends
just 'room-mates' as you put it

i'm this close [....]
this close to opting out
i don't want to opt out of you
but i think i need to move out
i need space
i need you to miss me
know that you want me

maybe this was all a mistake
please let me know
so i can get everything together

yes or no
simple

a massive turn of events..

you texted me today
shocked the fucking hell out of me

you txt me to ask if i'd like to go to jakes 18th
everything escalated from there
i was semi cold
i didn't write back much
didn't ask questions
but you kept responding

you invited me to dinner
i didn't know how to answer
my heart was pounding
i left it too long
so you invited me to a coffee or a movie
i agreed to coffee
dinner is rather intense
almost a little to intimate for the first time i'll be seeing you personally in a while

then you asked me about april 20
i didn't know what to do
i didn't want to talk about it in txt
you agreed
we'd talk tomorrow

you've commented a lot on my facebook tonight
on just about everything i've written

why now?
why so much contact?
what do you want from me?
i hope you don't break me all over again tomorrow

i feel like 6pm tomorrow is my d-day
that my outcome and survival is awaiting me
we'll see how that goes.



please... don't shoot me.

the second time around

today it aches
today i really wish you were here
today there's a weight in my heart
and only you could lift it


it's nearly two months.
we're at 7 weeks now
i'm telling myself that i can never say anything to you
that i'll hold it inside until i explode

if you want me
you'll come get me
or at least thats what i'm telling myself

there's no artsy picture to describe how i'm feeling
there's no real way to talk myself out it either
i'll drown it out with music
i'll run it out at the gym
i'll eat my heart out
i'll pretend
but maybe you know
maybe you'll see

see the way i look at you
and remember the way you used to look at me

i know you say you're cold hearted
and that you've buried me away
but if what you told me was real
then it would still be lingering

i hope that maybe we will meet, the second time around.

thanks for all the great times sugar

i can't hold on to this place forever

i'm learning to let you go

its sad to admit that 

but its the only way to go on

soon i'll be able to wake up in the morning and you won't be in my head

you won't be my first thought in the morning

or my last though at night

one day. 

but for now i hope you are happy

i legitimately do

i will find my happiness again soon

and the world will seem a little more right

xx

i'm taking this into account...

i deserve to be loved in return

with the same intensity that i love you.

"one day you're going to wake up and realize how much you love her,

and when that day comes, she'll be waking up next to the man who already knew"

- anonymous

you used to call me faith

Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing. 


I had faith in you, I had faith in us.


Where did that all go?
It's like I came back from Japan and everything had changed...
A few weeks before I went we talked about all these crazy things
You talked about the future and how you wanted me to be a part of it
And you didn't talk about it like you wanted me to just be your friend
Where did it all go wrong?
Why? When? Who? What?
Did you talk to someone? Did they put an idea in your mind? 
Or was it all you and you just didn't tell me?


I need to know
I need to know if
a) what you said was real, you did mean all those things
b) you were just saying them to placate me because you knew i was going overseas
c) you were ready to break up with me and my travelling was a good excuse
d) you had fallen out of love with me, just couldn't tell me
e) you're still in love with me, as you told me, but am committed to the breakup (how does that even make sense!?) please explain to me
because i'm dying on the inside
it hurts so much i feel like i can't breathe
i can't stop crying, at random intervals of the day
i can't find happiness in anything, no matter how hard i try
i'm in so much emotional pain that i physically hurt
and my body aches all over, it makes me shake
i'm restless. and i won't be able to settle until i know the truth


if you tell me you don't love me anymore, thats fine because i'll know the truth and i will accept it
and then i'll be able to move on with my life
but this constant waiting and not knowing is burning me up from the inside out. 
just release me, save me, settle my soul so i can go on living. 


and i know this all seems like a massive whinge. 
but i don't know what else to do
i'm shaking all over and i'm consumed by this
consumed by thoughts of you
i sound like a psycho i know
but if you have another solution please tell me?

nothing can cure like your hugs can

god it hurts so much
i was awake at 2:13am this morning; crying
crying so hard i felt like i could choke
i felt sick to the stomach and unable to bare it
i miss you so damn much it near kills me
and sometimes i do wish i could give you up
only so it wouldn't hurt this much
it'll get to the point soon where i'll need to ask you
i'll need to know an answer so i can go on with my life
but right now, it hurts, day in and day out.
make it stop?
heal my heart?
nothing can cure like your hugs can

i didn't even last 48hrs...

i hope i can be strong enough
to just leave you be...

and right now you're in a box

i bought a box especially for everything that is you

i put all your belongings in a bag in my car

and when and if i come across you i will give them to you

the box contains the rings, the necklaces, the notes, the cards, the letters, the songs

it has the hearts i folded for everyday my heart belonged to you

i had to stop folding them or the box would start over flowing

you'd probably think it was lame anyway

and it wasn't helping my pain so i quit that

but that box sits underneath my bed side table

i don't want to throw it away

something tells me not to

so it's sitting there...

waiting just like me

the amount that i miss you...

we always talked about when i'd go away
and i talked about it with friends
i thought i'd be ok
evidently not.
evidently i'm not that strong

i am not, i am, i will not, i will

ok

i am stopping this blogging business

all it is doing is making it harder to give you up

so i am hiding your posts on facebook

i am hiding erin's as well

yes she does bother me

yes my green eyed monster is showing through

yes she does make me feel threatened

because right now she knows you more than i probably ever will

or at least thats how it seems

but she is not the point of this blog

you are, or at least were.

i am not going to keep blogging about you

i am not going to call you

i am not going to text you

i am not going to comment you on facebook

i am going to get stronger

i am going to make myself better

i am going to go out and have fun

i am going to go on and live my life

i will still love you

i will still cherish what we had

i will still miss you

i will still want you

but i will not contact you

i will not pick fights with you

i will not talk about anything about us unless you bring it up

i will not stalk your facebook page 

i will not fantasize about you

i will not talk about you to other people

i will move on

sam, it's been great, you were my best friend, my lover, you'll always have a piece of my heart

but for now it is goodbye. 

fits into place pretty well...

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

One day you'll get sick of
saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
Just like I am tonight

Please don't get me wrong

Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

Let this go, let this go

But I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you

And I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
That now I feel like I don't know you

Never Let This Go - Paramore

Putting something on the internet is like setting it in concrete.

I'm cutting myself a deal
And I'm putting it on the internet
Because I know that things never ACTUALLY disappear off here
At the date of 3 months since our break-up.
If I still feel the same way about you
(Head over heels in love and sick to the stomach because I can't have you)
Then I will tell you, I will confess
I will ask you what you have to say
Or how you feel about that
See what happens that day or in the few days after
If nothing?
Then I will leave it alone for a further 6 months
(9 Months since breakup)
And then if you haven't made something happen
I will eradicate you from my life (or at least try to)
We'll see how successfully this goes until then.
I will still post on here - so I don't go crazy.
But we shall see...
God please don't make me wait long
I feel like my heart might not be able to handle it
Or my mental state.

I've never found indifference painful until now...

I just met up with you
I just met up with you and told you something...

I told you I wasn't going overseas anymore
I don't know what I was expecting for a reaction
But your indifference definitely hurt the most
You asked me if I was happy with my decision
And left it at that.

I didn't expect you to jump back into my arms
I didn't expect you to get angry at me
I just didn't expect that.

God I don't know what I'm doing
I don't know how to stop loving you
I wish I knew how to stop making it hurt
Talking to you for 20 minutes showed me how much you're enjoying life this way
And every time you talked I died inside
Because it became more and more evident
That you don't need me, nor do you want me
And your life is fine without me in it

I'm going to have to try and leave you alone for a bit
Because I don't know if I can handle it
Handle being this messed up
When you're all ok.

Somebody please help me? Just tell me how this plays out
Because I can't handle it any longer.

so here's the deal

We broke up
Because I was going overseas
Or at least that was the impression I was under
I think you partially just wanted to be single and to enjoy life (without me)
But I only think this because that is what you were apparently telling people this was so
Then things got messy, I got messy.
All kinds of emotionally fucked up messy
Now i'm not going over seas anymore
And I haven't told you
I don't think I'm prepared to tell you
For I fear rejection will surely follow.

But then if I don't tell you
I fear you might be hurt or angered
I wonder what your reaction will be....
What your thoughts will be...
I don't expect, nor do I want you to come back to me instantly
I understand you may never come back to me
Something I sound like I'm dealing with well,
But really I'm not.

I hope that this experience will have allowed us some growing
But I think this experience might well have poisoned a lot
And for this I am fearful, sad and utterly devastated

I want to run back to you
I am physically aching to do so
But because of how much I know you
I know a "stop" signal palm to the face would fly in my direction faster than I could stop
I would crash in to you
And things would be worse.
I know that if this were to ever work
You would have to come on your own terms
When you were ready.
I wonder how long I could or would wait?

Am I a mess?
Yes.
Would I want you back?
Yes.
Is it going to ever be that simple?
No.

I used to love how you kept your cool when I got complicated.
Would that apply now?
Probably not.

I miss you.
Everything that is you.
But fairytales aren't true
No matter how much I dream them to be.

K.eep I.t S.imple S.tupid

I'm letting you go

Or at least i'm going to try to

I haven't told you I'm not travelling yet

I'm waiting til you find out

I don't think it's the right time to tell you

So we shall see what happens

I'm taking a new outlook on life

Taking it a day at a time

(like you always told me to -ha)

I'm going to KISS it.

I will still hold a candle for you

But I can't say how long it will be

Until you blow it out.

Or it runs out.

heartbreak?

an assortment of thoughts...

I never thought either of us would take the easy way out, or need it,
Or maybe there is no easy way.
Or maybe the right way and the easiest way sometimes are the same.

I found this quote. Kind of sums it up.... shame it's too late.

"The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying;
and the only thing more impossible than staying is leaving."

Teenage Girl meets Teenage Boy, they learn to love, great memories are made and moments remembered, all is bliss. Then something changes, a spanner in the works. Not necessarily a change of heart but a change of desires. Because something went wrong. Because they hurt each other. Or one more than the other. Because there were terrible actions and even more terrible words. Young Adult Male and Young Adult Girl are wounded; they're hurting. And they try to move on. Many things are written and thought but never actually sent or said. And not one word is said. Years go by and sometimes they see each other, they are strangers with unspoken words to be said, but no smile to acknowledge each other. Their eyes meet for a second or two, and there is so many hidden feelings and secrets in those moments that their hearts start to beat faster, and then these moments are gone. 


I have decided not to travel, I wasn't ready. I'm still not ready. Yes losing you played a big part in that, and even though now I am staying. I do not expect to get you back. As said earlier, bad actions were played out and even more horrible words said, a lot was my doing.  Yes I would like to go, but right now it seems like a chore, like it's more stress than what I was looking for.  Yes I could go, but I would only be attempting to run away from my issues, and I know they would catch up to me. This would pretty much result in me being a mess in another country. Not good. I'm going to save, I'm NOT going to think, I'm just going to go with the flow. 


And then I remembered Alice in Wonderland... 


Alice: Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from ehre?
The Cat: That depends a good deal on where you want to get to
Alice: I don't much know where
The Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which way you go
Alice: .... so long as I get somewhere?
The Cat: Oh, you're sure to do that, if only you walk long enough


I think I should listen to this... see where I go. Wait to find out. Looking for it myself doesn't seem to be working so maybe I'll walk in to it sometime in the future. 

i'm not ok

so apparently that song wasn't directed anywhere at me
you were just sorry to a lot of people
you got drunk and everyone you felt the need to got a message
it doesn't make it ok
it doesn't fix anything

i'm crying so hard i feel like i could throw up
my chest is aching and my hands are shaking
everyone thinks that i'm dealing with this so well
they just dont see me when i'm alone
they dont see my face, can't read my thoughts
is this what heartbreak is meant to feel like?

i asked you if you were even hurting; you said you were for days.
DAYS. like it was a few month fling.
i will hurt for months, maybe even years.
when i think of you, i get the kind of feeling they write novels about
and i wish i could throw that away like you.
you said i made it easier after punching you and (involuntarily) digging in your phone
i'm so glad i made it easier for you to hate me

sometimes i wish i could hate you too.

anger is easier to deal with than this.

so you've gone and done something

that might just be irreparable 

it might just have ruined me

and made everything come undone

i thought i could do this

that maybe i could try

that one day i'd be able to just walk on by

i was learning to forget

but failing to remember to do so

and what you'd need to remember is;

words are words, sounds written on paper. 

you may not like what you read

you may be surprised, hurt, angry or overwhelmed

this is my heart and thoughts

my subconscious and my soul

honest and true

poured out for you

but even though this is all here

i dont think i could show you

the depth of my soul

i gave it to you once

and now a piece is missing

that trust i fear

i will soon be dismissing

but what is it you did today? you posted a song on facebook. then messaged me about it. claimed you were sorry. when i didn't understand. you said not tonight. and left it at that. 

the song had meanings. lots of them i'm sure... but even if i tried; i'd never know what you were on about

i hope that it does not mean you are saying goodbye... i hope that it is not closure. i hope that we can talk sometime soon because the tension is killing me; even if you can't feel it.

the song? do you remember? will you remember in just a few days time?

"Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.

Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.

Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.

Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.

My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?

I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.

And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.

Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,

So I set out to cut myself and here I go.

I'm not calling for a second chance,

I'm screaming at the top of my voice.

Give me reason but don't give me choice.

'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.

And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.

Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.

And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.

I'm not calling for a second chance,

I'm screaming at the top of my voice.

Give me reason but don't give me choice.

'Cause I'll just make the same mistake,

I'm not calling for a second chance,

I'm screaming at the top of my voice.

Give me reason but don't give me choice.

'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.

Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.

Look at the stars fall down.

And wonder where did I go wrong. "

so i think about calling

I think about it a lot
I think about texting you
It makes me unsettled and nervous
It makes me feel nauseous and faint
Sometimes if I think about it too much
I break out in a cold sweat and my hands start to shake

And what's worse is how badly I want to contact you
But know that I shouldn't.

But then I do anyway...

And somehow I'm always surprised how disappointed and sad I am
Whether you don't reply or hardly talk
Or even when the conversation goes well and we arrange to meet
Then you forget or say you can't, but the only reason I find out
Is because I contacted you...
Something tells me that if I didn't
I'd find myself sitting, leaning, standing
And waiting on you
But no one sees
Because I feel invisible until I see you.

Maybe one day I'll be surprised and elated.
And you'll be there waiting on me.

i've come to the conclusion

there's too much space in my bed

when you're not here...

who's going to tell me the truth?

It's been one month today...
I thought it would start to get at least a LITTLE easier.
guess i really was wrong. I still cried.

We were meant to meet up today. you said you were sick.
I'm not sure if you are. But I hope you feel better.
It still hurts when you say no.
Maybe it also hurt because I texted you... maybe you'd forgotten completely.
Maybe I should have to....

I'm vowing to tell you how I feel before i leave for overseas.
We'll see what that is in a few months time...
I dont know how I feel about anything at the moment
But I do know how I feel about you

I was sitting on a bench today in the shopping centre
Waiting for Mum and Hannah to show up to dress shop for Hannah.
It was in the sun, I was warm and slightly dozing
I swear I could feel you next to me
Like I could have swivelled in my seat and rested my head on your shoulder and my legs across yours
I felt almost content with my thoughts telling me you were right there
It felt so real I nearly did it to the empty seat next to me.
But then I realised and the devastation was imminent.

I got a tattoo today, under my bra line and along my rib cage.
It reads; where the tide embraces me
That's almost what I wish would happen
I need to be cleansed, let go and washed from everything
It feels like I'm sinking and the only way out is to be rid of it all

But I can't stand the thought of being rid of you
How was I to know what we carved in stone would be so temporary?
That one day I would actually have to say goodbye to you.

Should I ever show this to you?
Should I ever tell you about this?
Probably not... you'd probably think I was a psycho.
Then I'd never hear from you again.
Maybe I am crazy.
But who's going to tell me the truth?
You?
I didn't think so.



No one.

i had a nap this morning

and i could feel the weight of your arm across my side
your hand holding my close
i could feel your legs curled into the back of mine
i could feel your nose nuzzled into my neck
and it was the best 3 hours sleep i've had since you were here last.

...

I know I should be trying to let you go
but I'm not sure if you realise just how hard that is
I don't know if you're moving on
Or holding on to me
.... it would be nice to know.

I feel like my life will be on hold until I find out
But I can't wait forever; even if it takes that long for my heart to mend.

An answer please? I almost want this to end.
It's cutting me up too much just to think about it.
Breaking me down from the inside out.

I wish I was where you are....

and about a million other things.

my thoughts at the moment? I think I want to break my own heart.

I have dreams about you, vivid dreams. Some are amazing. Some are scary. Some have me waking up in tears for a variety of reasons. I re-live our break up, but sometimes things change, words change, the end result changes. I dream about us getting back together about our future. I dream of us rolling across your bed. I dream of us when you could make me smile with just a kiss. But then there are the dreams that are more like nightmares.

I dream you've already gotten yourself another girlfriend, that you're not telling me, waiting until I leave the country. I dream everything you said, all of those promises were just a lie. I dream you've died in a variation of tragic accidents and that I never got to tell you how much I love you and to ask you if you'll take me back?. I dream so many variations of good and evil, and they're so often centred around you. I don't know what to make of it all.

I ask people "Yes or No" in the hopes that one day someones answer might make something in my head go click. Whether it's to tell you how in love with you I am, to leave the country, if I should forget you. Or a "Yes or No" on whether I should show you this blog. Beg for you back. Make a different life choice.

The thing is that without you I don't even want to go anymore; my thirst for life has evaporated like a puddle in the desert. And all I want is you. But for some reason I can't let my story, let my existence be based around one person, based around a boy. I have to be myself, become myself, and I think you'd understand that. Or at least I hope you do.

I was going to buy you a ticket to come and visit me when I was over seas. Thats why I got you those passport applications so many months almost a year ago. I knew I was going and was hoping to get you to come with me. I know I never told you that.... maybe I should have. But who knows how that would have ended? I know the reality of it is that it might not have worked, you might not have wanted to, you might not have been able to afford to. But it was that thought that  kept me sane.

The worst part is? That whenever people asked about me going overseas, I always talked about it like it would be easy, like leaving you behind was ok. Because I wanted to sound strong and independent, but inside I was scared. I talked about it like there was no doubt you were going to be here when I got back. And I wish I hadn't taken that for granted, I wish I'd never taken you for granted.

I miss when your kiss could make me smile.....

p.s. I find this photo a little cute. It feels like it's us, I wish I had drawn it. I wish it was us.

I wish you would just turn around and tell me;

Tell me that you still love me
Tell me that you want me back
Tell me that this was all a stupid mistake

But I know you won't. I'm not sure if it's that you're being stubborn, that you're in self preservation mode or maybe because you actually don't want any of those things anymore.

And I know I can't be the one to tell you, because you wouldn't listen, because I'm still going overseas. I hate that I'm the one that ruined this. I hate that I'm the reason for my own pain. I can't take credit for your pain, because I don't know how much you're in.

I just hate that I can't turn around and ask you. I wish you would come with me but I know it's not a reasonable option because it's just not feasible.

I wish a million things, and they're all centred around you. I'm hardly even interested in going anymore.

I'm about [....] this far from just calling it quits because I want you back. But my independent woman side says I can't, and something tells me I wouldn't be the girl you loved if I turned around and said no to travelling, no to my own adventure.

This really is killing me, and even though I get to see you from time to time it's getting more and more difficult. Everyone is telling me it should be getting easier and easier. But it's not. Maybe it never will. I hope that one day it won't have to.

I'm still in love with you. My heart is still yours.

the last hour of my life was almost bliss.

I talked to you on the phone. Thats literally all it was. Nothing sexual; nothing hopeful, just talking. And it was bliss. It's the most calm and whole I've felt in a long while. However the whole time my face was burning up, when i went for a shower afterwards my cheeks in the mirror were so rosy and my ears searing hot. It's been almost 20 minutes since we hung up and my cheeks are still burning. I feel like a teenager again; like we're back at the start.

I hope one day; if not some day we will be. I'd like to start over; learn to love you again. I'd like the chance to learn from my mistakes, will you let me? And the chance to never let you go and if something went astray, the chance to fight for you and never give up.

But right now I will settle for having you in my life, even if it's just for a phone call here, or an awkward text message there (i'm always worried i said the wrong thing). Or to know you're in a room, or going to a party. It's better than not knowing; England will surely be hell because I wont be able to see your face. Or have a hug; they are the best part.

Forever in my heart, Always on my mind.

stupid rhymes... it just seems to happen

what to say; what to say?

everybody said it would get easier day by day

i feel like maybe i'm getting over you

then something happens, a thought, a place, a song 

and i'm right back where i was all along

i dont know what to say

people say i seem far too ok

but surely they can see its all an act

i think my biggest problem is

we both threw our hands up and walked away

you never begged me to stay

i know you said you just wanted to understand

and were letting me take my own life into my hands

but what is life without a heart

because that for sure, will be here right at the start

sometimes i think it would be better, maybe even easier

 if i knew you were at your house 

missing me too, maybe shedding a tear or feeling sick like i do

but it's more likely that you're running so fast in the other direction

that you'll run into a brick wall and rebound off like it was nothing

but i know i would never hear from you; even if any of these events happened.

even if your heart was breaking in two

i always forget to forget you

i'm trying to hold my anger in. 

but it just comes out in tears. 

i'm trying to hide my hurt

but it's burning me up inside

watching you

hearing you

talking to you

seeing you

not seeing you

not hearing you

not talking to you

it's all killing me

what i feel

this can't have just been teen love

3 weeks today and you think

just maybe just hopefully

the pain would have subsided

even just a little

when we broke up

you'd said there could be a future for us

that you hoped there was

now 3 weeks later

you say maybe

it's funny how fast things change

i can't help but ignore the feeling

that maybe there was a possibility

you were already getting over me

before we were even over

i know males bury their emotions

thats what everyone tells me

i know you're cold now

but you weren't always that way

i found the letters

i found the notes

i found the conversations

i found the songs

i found the photos

evidently i must be a masochist

because i keep reading them

keep looking them over

and wondering what happened

where we went wrong

but i can't ever ask you

because i know you'd never tell

maybe we got too serious too fast

maybe it just wasn't meant to last

maybe all i needed to do was fight for you

but i can't win you

if you dont want to be won

what i'd do to have you here

to wake up next to you again

for a simple text

for a phone conversation

where i dont try not to cry the whole time

i can't stop making contact with you

but everytime it hurts me more

because i realise how much you're moving

you tell me you're still in love with me

that you're burying me away

people tell me you're just trying to make it easier

but i dont believe them, i can't make myself

people tell me that there's still a chance for the future

but i dont think you'll let there be

i gave you my everything

my trust, my heart, my soul

all the memories that we're losing

all the time i spent with you everyday

i feel like it's all running down the drain

i'm feeling that we're fading

don't make this as hard as you think it should be

it's not as easy to forget you as it seems

because everyday when i wake up

i realise just like the day before

that i forgot to forget you